Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
