I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
