I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
