I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
