hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I love having hate sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
