Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I puked a lego.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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