So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
