I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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