At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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