Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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