I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
