Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
