Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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