So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
