I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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