I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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