I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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