I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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