i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
