There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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