thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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