I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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