I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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