1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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