I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
