i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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