I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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