She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
