It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
