I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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