Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
