at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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