Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
