So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
