She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
