Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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