I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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