i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
