he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This is my gift to your gina
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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