Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
