I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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