he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
