I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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