I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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