Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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