I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
