I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
