Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
