I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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