You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
